Friday, December 31, 2010

Rough Beginings for the New Year

Well,  Its New Years Eve and things are pretty rough.

Ive been trying to remain optimistic about things but today has just been one of those days.

It started off ok,  like most days do.  Then i just keep feeling like there is something i should DO.  Of course there isnt really anything I can do right now that im not already doing.

My stress levels lately have been at an all time high.  Panic attacks are more frequent and seem more severe. When I go out I feel like people just know that I have HIV. I know they cant.  It just feels that way.

I bounce around from anxious to angry to exhausted constantly.

I put up a good front around my family.  Im the care giver,  the support or "rock"  for our family. Especially my mom,  so it wouldnt do to show weakness in front of everyone.

I've been trying to do the right thing lately.  I started on a vitamin regimen.  Been looking into an exercise program too. It jsut doesnt seem like enough.

I've read where people start taking control of their lives and start putting themselves first.  I have no idea how to do that.

I have a few goals I think will help me in the coming year.

1. Take my meds on time and dont miss doses.  Not HIV meds,  but meds for other things,  havent started those yet.

2. Eat a more well ballanced diet.

3. Start a good exercise program and stick with it.

4. Continue with Therapy.

That all seems pretty do-able.  I dont see why it shouldnt be at least. 

My boyfriend and I have a few projects were planning on working on this year and I'm actually looking forward to them. 

We're actually putting in a new breaker box and replacing the old "Fuse" box YAY! We're gonna run quite a few new electrical outlets too.

We started building a shed this summer and im looking forward to seeing it finished.

I keep telling myself that if I focus on all the things that are good in my life that this one part, HIV, wont seem quite as unbearable.

I want to live a normal life.  and maybe, just maybe, Im begining to realize that i can still have that,  even with HIV.

I've went through ALOT in my life.  Its never been easy.  I've dealt with adversity since i was old enough to know what it was. I guess I just have to look at this as another hurdle,  something that I CAN overcome.

I want this new year to mean something to me.  I want it to truly be a new begining.

More soon,
Autumn

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas Everyone

Well, Its Christmas Morning!

Im doing my best this morning to try and have a happy and productive day.

I plan on spending the day with my family. Mom, Dad, Brother and Niece.

I have had a hard time being around all of them lately. I have always been the strong one. The one that is there for everyone else when things get tough. So, lately, Even though they all know of my recent change in status from Negative to positive, Ive been sort of just pretending that everything is ok. I hadn't realized how much this was effecting me until yesterday. Its hard being everyone elses rock when you are falling apart inside.

I havent really taken the time for myself to just grieve. This has been so very hard for me. My whole life is different now and I dont really know what to do with myself. I dont know how i really fit in to our family dynamic anymore. On one hand I dont want them to treat me any differently, on the other, I dont want them to just pretend that everything is ok either. Maybe a happy medium would be nice.

With eveyone basically sticking their head in the sand over this I feel so alone. Im the only one dealing with it andIm not doing the best job of actually dealing with it. Thank god for therapy, I wish I got to go more often.

My BF had to work today, and after work he is going to stop by his parents house. Probably wont see himuntil 8:30 or 9 tonight. SUcks but the holiday pay will be nice for him. Thank god for him, If it werent for him, I dont think I could go through this.

Maybe after today, the holidays, I'll be able to take a break and get my head around what is going on in my life.

Thats it for now,
Autumn

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Feeling Sorry for Myself

THis morning started off normally. I kissed the BF goodbye, and talked to him on the phone while he was on the way to work. but when we hung up, I started feeling horrible.

I'm so nervous and anxious. I dont really know what to do with myself now.

The last week or so has been horrible. Im either extremely anxious and nervous or totally wiped out and exhausted. I dont think any of it has anything to do with being "sick". I think its just the stress of the whole situation taking its toll on my body.

I dont want to deal with this anymore. It isnt fair. I just want my life to go back to normal.

I dont really know what to do. Im lost, confused, and affraid!!! I feel like i'm just going to wake up and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare.

I feel so desperately alone in all of this. Im not saying i dont have support and people who love me, because i do. I just feel like they dont have a clue what im going through. Hell I dont even have a clue whats going on. I just feel like this hiv thing has isolated me and put me just out of reachof everyone else. If that makes any sense. I just dont feel like i belong anymore. I dont feel like im a part of anything anymore.

Just feeling lonely,
Autumn

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Boyfriend Tested Negative

Well My Boyfriend got his Test results today.

He tested Negative.

I was shocked. We both expected him to be positive.

He and I have been together for 5 years. We have been having unprotected sex for the majority of that time.

We or should I say I, thought that he was the person who brought this home. Now I feel horrible. I mean, he DID cheat. But heisnt the reason for this.

I stand by everything I have said. I havent cheated, done drugs or anything else that could have put me at risk in the time he and I have been together.

That would put me at getting HIV either 5 years ago, or from a dentist or surgeon. We just dont know. I guess we never will.

I prayed for him to be negative. I hoped against all odds that he would be negative. I got my wish!

BUT, Now im terrified.

We had both accepted the fact that we both had it since I had tested possitive. I guess I felt better knowing i wouldnt go through this alone. Now though, I feel more alone than ever. I know how selfish that must sound. I dont mean forit to be. I would never wish this on him.

THe Nurse at the testing center said that it was very rare for this to happen. We have both decided to be tested again.

Me on Tuesday and him 4 weeks from now.

I am so confused. I dont really know what to think.

COuld I actually be negative? Could he really be positive?

We dont know for sure.
I guess you never know anything for sure.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Just Tested Positive

On 12/10/10 I tested positive for H.I.V.

A little back story first.

My name is Autumn.  I am a transgender woman living in rural Arkansas. I'm NOT, nor have i ever been a sex worker, escort or anything of the sort. I don't use I.V. drugs and I'm not promiscuous. Just the recipient of a shit storm of bad luck.

I have given up trying to find out how I became positive.  At this point it doesn't really matter.

My boyfriend, who shall remain nameless, gets his test results tomorrow.

The day of the 10th was like no other day in my entire life.
I got a call from the nurse who game me the blood test asking me to come in to get the results. I found that sort of odd because when i was there having the tests done they told me that No news was good news and if they didn't call it probably wouldn't be anything to worry about.  That was the first red flag.

I decided to have my mom go with me. We were both worried due to the odd way things were handled. Well,  My appointment was at 9am so we got there 15 minutes early,  just to be punctual. We sat there and waited 45,  yes 45 minutes before they finally called me back.  When we got to the back the Nurse Practitioner ushered us into a room with a strange man i had never met.  He introduced himself as a Disease intervention specialist.  It was at that point that my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. I knew something was wrong with one of the tests. At this point I still hadnt considered it might be hiv.  THey had gave me the regular std work up so i was expecting something,  but definately not what came next.  He told me about all of my results, reading off each one and telling me They were negative. I started to kind of chuckle to myself thinking I had been worried for nothing and he must speak with all the patients who get std tests.  It was then that he came to my HIV results. He stared at me matter of factly and blurted out that I tested possitive for HIV.  I felt like in those few words that he ended my life.
Ilife. 

My mother and I both broke down in sobs.  My worst fears had come true. I can't even begin to describe the magnitude of emotions i was feeling, so im not even going to try.

The man spoke to us a little more about the test its self, about the need to see a doctor soon and the like.  He gave me a referral to an HIV specialist "near" my area. I promised o make an appointment with him and left the office.

I was lucky to have my mother there. I'm lucky to have such a caring boyfriend. My boyfriend came home from work and we all sat and talked about it.  I'm so grateful for that.  I think had i gone through it alone i wouldn't have been able to cope.

3 days after testing positive I made an appointment with the HIV specialist.

They took alot of information over the phone and gave me an appointment for January the 19th.  I was SHOCKED! A whole month before iwould know anything.

Thats what ive been doing since last monday,  Waiting for the packet theyre supposed to send and praying that I make it through all of this ok.

Ill add more soon