Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas Everyone

Well, Its Christmas Morning!

Im doing my best this morning to try and have a happy and productive day.

I plan on spending the day with my family. Mom, Dad, Brother and Niece.

I have had a hard time being around all of them lately. I have always been the strong one. The one that is there for everyone else when things get tough. So, lately, Even though they all know of my recent change in status from Negative to positive, Ive been sort of just pretending that everything is ok. I hadn't realized how much this was effecting me until yesterday. Its hard being everyone elses rock when you are falling apart inside.

I havent really taken the time for myself to just grieve. This has been so very hard for me. My whole life is different now and I dont really know what to do with myself. I dont know how i really fit in to our family dynamic anymore. On one hand I dont want them to treat me any differently, on the other, I dont want them to just pretend that everything is ok either. Maybe a happy medium would be nice.

With eveyone basically sticking their head in the sand over this I feel so alone. Im the only one dealing with it andIm not doing the best job of actually dealing with it. Thank god for therapy, I wish I got to go more often.

My BF had to work today, and after work he is going to stop by his parents house. Probably wont see himuntil 8:30 or 9 tonight. SUcks but the holiday pay will be nice for him. Thank god for him, If it werent for him, I dont think I could go through this.

Maybe after today, the holidays, I'll be able to take a break and get my head around what is going on in my life.

Thats it for now,

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